The Circle (Shape of Love Book 3) by Johnathan McClain & JA Huss

Author:Johnathan McClain & JA Huss [McClain, Johnathan & Huss, JA]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Science Future Press
Published: 2023-06-12T23:00:00+00:00

Placing the test stick on the edge of the basin, I feel a wave of anxiety sweep over me. I’ve done this before. And we all know how that ended. I chew at my nails.

“It’s gonna be fine,” Danny says. He’s dressed again. He threw back on the same clothes we came here wearing. Nigel noticed when Danny opened the door. He asked if we wanted them laundered, but Danny just took the pregnancy test, said thanks, and shut the door in Nigel’s smiling face.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Whatever happens, it’s gonna be fine. If you’re pregnant, amazing. If you’re not, well, we’ll just have to keep trying until you are.” He searches my eyes. “Hey,” he says, taking my chin in his hand. “It’s gonna be fine.”

“No sense worrying about the future?”

“Exactly right,” he answers, still smiling. “Or dwelling on the past. Not helpful.”

I appreciate him trying to be encouraging, but he wasn’t there. He didn’t see how awful it was. Wasn’t by my side when the doctor said, “Incompetent cervix,” wasn’t there to stare at the baby room we had all ready to go that would never have a child to put in it, never…

He just wasn’t there.

I remember that, at the time, I felt as though the baby I lost was really Danny’s. I had crafted some kind of narrative for myself that the child I was carrying was really to be Danny’s child. And I think I did that because he was gone. Because I wanted him to be with us and I missed him so badly. I suppose, in my mind, I concocted this story that once Danny found out Alec and I had had a child, that would be the thing that would bring him back to us.

I’d tell him that I had had it, it would compel him to return to our life together, and we’d live happily ever after. And the more I entertained that fantasy, the more I focused on the life that was growing inside me being ours. Mine and his.

But when I lost it, that daydream disappeared and the nightmare reality settled in. And in the stark light of inescapable truth, it was most definitely Alec’s. The miscarriage was all on him.

It wasn’t, of course, although the way he dealt with it was, and in those weeks and months after, all I wanted was Danny there to help me through. And since he wasn’t, couldn’t be, that’s when I went insane. Justifiable or not, I most certainly lost my shit there for a while.

A castle. A meeting. A man with a scar.

The same sharp but ultimately still useless memory fragments keep popping up. Doing nothing to help me and everything to piss me off and make me nervous.

But, anyway, that’s all why I think it’s reasonable to believe that Danny might not be right when he says everything’s “gonna be fine.”

I want it to be. Obviously I do. I want everything to be fine. But, y’know, that shit’s not really up to me.

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